Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I Am A Terrible Person - Part I

This is the first installment of my inevitably infinite series entitled "I Am A Terrible Person". The aim of this will be to examine all the terrible things I do and have done. It may be humorous and it may get serious, I guess we'll find out. So let me tell you why I am a terrible person.

The Turd Toss

When I was about eleven, no older than twelve, I had a great friend who I now refer to as my "trouble friend". Naturally, he's that friend that I always got into trouble with as a youth. I would go over to his house for the weekend and we would wreak havoc on society. Well one fine weekend, we got a little bored. So we decided to poop in a plastic grocery bag. I believe it looked something like this:

(Put a little boy in the dog's place)

It started off innocently enough, figuring out how to line the toilet with the bag, taking turns, throwing in some plastic action figures, and of course, topping it off with some hot sauce and chocolate syrup. Yet, when one stumbles upon a plastic bag full one's own poo, what is there to do except throw it? The plastic bag offers a lovely way to throw, like an old fashioned sling.



So, my buddy and I scurried out to the front of his apartment complex (which faced a major busy street), and hid behind some bushes. We then waited for the perfect opportunity and gave the bag a good throw.

We hit a car dead center on the windshield. The car screeched its brakes and we ran away laughing. It is still probably one of the funniest things I have ever done.
Nonetheless, at the age of eleven you don't take into consideration the fact that people actually care about their cars and might get really upset for throwing my potty business at it. I know if someone hit my car with anything I'd probably hunt them down and I'm sure most others would do the same.

I came to realize how terrible this was shortly after it occurred, and thus begins the saga of why I am a terrible person.